Depression affects the toughest of people

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2820420/Tough-nails-competitor-gentle-spirit-Tributes-flow-triathlete-legend-tragically-died-46.html

Dealing with my grief

I've been trying to write something the last few days but unable to find the right words or concentrate enough to form a post. Today is the first time I feel anywhere close to being able to.

I know I have not been the best of brothers when Grant needed me. Also I know we caused each other more pain and heartache than we should have over the years. I will however be eternally grateful for the day we got to spend with each other on the Monday before Grant's cancer riddled body finally was unable to continue to fight. He showed me everything in his eyes that wasn't, should've, and didn't need to be said. We are brothers and our love for each other is much stronger than our pointless squabble or miscommunications. He not only forgave me but he also embraced me as though we were still those 2 little boys who shared a bedroom growing up, spending every moment together link his little twin boys do.

I will miss him more than most, and I can't process the fact he has left this plane for the next one so early. It was not supposed to happen this way. He was always so strong physically. I could never beat him in an arm wrestle since he was about 14. He was always faster at sprinting than I was. How could this happen? It is not fair! What happens now? What are his kids supposed to do without him? What about his new bride?

We all put Grant to rest yesterday and it feels more peaceful today than the last 6 days, but it also feels a lot more empty. We cannot see him any more. He has gone! It can't be real. I cannot accept it. When does acceptance come? Is that when I truely grieve? To be completely honest, I am terrified of that moment. I already am struggling, but the hard reality of Grant's passing is going to crush me. I also know I am not alone in this experience, and I also know I won't be alone when I crack.

I love you Grant Tony Sutherland (1 Feb 1975 - 9 Aug 2013)

Today my younger brother passed away

To all my readers. Today I lost my baby brother. He was only 38 and leaves behind a wife, 4 children and 2 step children., all whom he loved very very much.

I am truly grateful for the time we got to spend together the last few weeks, especially the 6 hours one on one on Monday. I will dearly miss him and I will try to share my progress through my grief.

I know this may not be the most PC forum for grieving, but it may help others to reach out and mend bridges.

RIP Grant Tony Sutherland (Feb 1 1975 - Aug 9 2013)

June and July so far

These last few weeks I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I have been up and down with my own issues, both mentally and physically. I have been struggling with back issues which has limited my training to a point I would be lucky to have done an honest 8 hours a week.

Running is still fairly non existent and my weight is hovering the 100kg mark still. That alone is always a trigger for my depression. So how did I deal with it in the past? One thing was less distractions but it was discipline and time. No real secret sorry. Consistent exercise, healthy eating and patience. It might be worth while logging everything again. Having a conscious visual aid always did work for me.

We attended my brother's wedding, facing the majority of my family for over 15 months. A lot of the reasons are resentment from the lack of help for my family when we have needed intervention when I have been out of control. Confrontation and support has never really been my blood families strong suit. TV adverts regarding supporting people with mental issues don't work. I am one, and my 2 girls, who receive very little can attest to that. Besides that, it was really nice. Also nice to meet my 3 nephews for the first time. The hard thing was to see my beligerant big as life little brother, tired, old and struggling. His battles with cancer has been beating him up. This got me to begin to try think about the last couple of years and what I haven't done or been a part of due to my behavior, and the grudges I hold onto.

All these things now fairly trivial.

Now the biggest thing that has really rocked me was the news my younger brother had more tumors found on his spine, and now is no longer receiving radiotherapy or chemotherapy for these. I know I have had many issues I have really struggled with confronting and resolving. Quite a few stem from my brother. I have mentioned before I felt growing up we were almost twins. Close in age and practically the same group of friends. Something happened and I lost that closeness. Maybe I was closer to him than I was to him, which is why I felt I was devastated when I couldn't get back what I had lost. For years I wanted to get back my sudo-twin but could never come to terms that was never going to happen. Now with this news, all this doesn't matter. He is my brother and I love him.

His pain levels are being managed and we have things to talk about but I feel just going to see him has been all he needed from me. It's been hard to talk to him because of all the people around each time I visit and also his pain meds are keeping him a bit spaced out. I will stop by again on Tuesday. Hope to get a few minutes alone with him.

To anyone reading, my brother's friends are trying to restore his beloved VW for him since his health has deteriorated. Even $5 helps and can be donated here

https://www.givealittle.co.nz/cause/GruntasVw

and can be followed here

https://facebook.com/GruntasVwBeetleRestoration?id=527073197335823&_rdr

Now for anyone reading, stop holding onto grudges. Us with depression have far too much to deal with already, don't add to it by carrying extra baggage. Be like an airline. Minimum baggage and maximum weight/size restriction.