I've been trying to write something the last few days but unable to find the right words or concentrate enough to form a post. Today is the first time I feel anywhere close to being able to.
I know I have not been the best of brothers when Grant needed me. Also I know we caused each other more pain and heartache than we should have over the years. I will however be eternally grateful for the day we got to spend with each other on the Monday before Grant's cancer riddled body finally was unable to continue to fight. He showed me everything in his eyes that wasn't, should've, and didn't need to be said. We are brothers and our love for each other is much stronger than our pointless squabble or miscommunications. He not only forgave me but he also embraced me as though we were still those 2 little boys who shared a bedroom growing up, spending every moment together link his little twin boys do.
I will miss him more than most, and I can't process the fact he has left this plane for the next one so early. It was not supposed to happen this way. He was always so strong physically. I could never beat him in an arm wrestle since he was about 14. He was always faster at sprinting than I was. How could this happen? It is not fair! What happens now? What are his kids supposed to do without him? What about his new bride?
We all put Grant to rest yesterday and it feels more peaceful today than the last 6 days, but it also feels a lot more empty. We cannot see him any more. He has gone! It can't be real. I cannot accept it. When does acceptance come? Is that when I truely grieve? To be completely honest, I am terrified of that moment. I already am struggling, but the hard reality of Grant's passing is going to crush me. I also know I am not alone in this experience, and I also know I won't be alone when I crack.
I love you Grant Tony Sutherland (1 Feb 1975 - 9 Aug 2013)
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