I started off the month trying to get back into more consistent swimming and a few bike rides. Staying off my injured foot but also decided to begin getting treatment for it. 3 months since I hurt it and the pain not really going away to keep running for more than 3 times a week. So not enough.
The added frustration of not exercising properly, getting behind in a couple of bills, and dealing with my own demons, just seem to escalate the downward spiral of my depression. For all the progress I seem to have made, I seem to be at a plateau, and that seems to take a similar path to my training.
Demons come in various forms for us all, and mine tend to be about self worth.
- Weight
- Food addiction
- Body image
- Abandonment issues
- Loneliness
- Laziness
- Lack of motivation
- Jealousy issues
- Regrets
- Betrayals
- Anxieties
- Questioning the past, and past decisions
- Wishing for an alternative life
- Money
- Lack of focus
- Non achievements
- Lack of commitment
Not all of these come at once, but each of these I think about and they all eat away at my self worth, making me question myself right now, my past and eat me up. I spend time trying to not think, so I distract myself. Some of my distractions just escalate the problems, like playing too much PS3, eating etc and leading to me neglect the short term goal.
Week 2 (8-14)
With the up in swimming once more, I added poolside strength work, and the muscle burn is back! Cool! I have to deal with the 2-3 days of aches and pains but just getting a bit more of a regular cycle to train is helping with my mindset.
I had a good session with my psychiatrist this week too, so hopefully I can take some new strategies into my day to day life which helps me deal with conflict so much better.
Anyone who has a psychological problem really should do not just themselves a favour, but those they love/care about the bigger favour, and get help. You'll find money is not their motivation, but to help you out. I always leave the office feeling a lot better and with more hope. Why did I ever take so long to get this kind of help.
To help get a better feel where I am, I have started to log my activities. Me being me, I doubt I'll be disciplined enough to keep it up. A bit like this blog too. From once a day to now once a month?
More treatment on my foot. Hopefully this sorts it out once an for all. Training the kids is a great escape for a bit too, plus keeping the mind actively involve in my sport.
Week 3 (15-21)
Foot x-ray and ultrasound this week for my foot. This is bugging me a lot now and not actually training diligently really takes a toll on your psyche. Those listed dark thoughts above really start to haunt me this week, even though we have club prize giving coming up, and being nominated for a prize is an honour, demons are lurking just ready to step in at a moments notice.
Prize giving went really well and our squad had a good deal of time to explain what we had done and where we are heading. Handed out 4 well earned prizes and they all had a great time + great food. Started to get a cold at the end of the week. Hope it doesn't amount to anything.
Week 4 (22-28)
I spent most of the week being sick with a real heavy cold and ended up taking my first sick day in nearly a whole year. Didn't do much training to speak of and spent the time chilling out. Taking a spin session for the kids training was a real chore for once, as the body and mind were so tired and lethargic.
By the end of the week I felt much better and I also had my run analysed. The new info I got should help me run better, which hopefully results in faster times. Now to get out there and do the km's and drop the weight to something respectable once more.
Jane is noticing my depression coming back, so I need to start changing my reactions better, my tasks for the family/house + fulfil my projects and not waste time.
I know when I am depressed more so nowadays, as I look at my past and think how my life would have been different if one thing was different. Not just think, but dwell on it for too much time each day.
Week 5 (29-31)
I had another x-ray and ultrasound on my foot, again no sign of a real injury, so hopefully the pain has subsided enough since I was trying to get back into my running, that I can train properly, especially with Queen's Birthday weekend planned around a heavy training block.
Had the kids training and really mixed it up. Trying to squeeze 12 kids into one lane is difficult when they are of equal ability, but with the range we have (ages 9-16) it's pretty much impossible. We got some great strength stuff done and some skills with the younger ones. Jane has a real knack to finding a real good alternative solutions which are really great training tips/skills, especially for the newer kids.
So when is it time to tell someone that they are taking too much for granted to the point they are being obnoxiously rude?
Something happened to Jane while she was writing her reports, and it frustrates me when, people who would flip their lid if someone invaded their work space, just act that they own Jane and her classroom, just because she is in there. They have absolute no respect that it is her office, and especially when the relationship between the girls are strained.
I have a hard time understanding the mentality of some people, but then again, am I normal myself? I do think it is pushing any friendship past an acceptable point.
This is not the only person or time things do seem extremely one sided, and not in Jane's favour. Too many self-called friends seem to claim ownership of her when they want something, but are never there when Jane needs a hand with something or a favour. I guess it is how the world really works and we have a distorted view as to how we think the world works.
Do I take the lead and confront this person/these people, or do I leave things be? So far I have let it be, but I don't know how much more I can take of things like this happening.
Ended the month with the family on a bit of an edge with each other. Not too great and I know I need to work a lot harder at keeping my emotions in check. I don't think not taking the anti depressants is really the solution here. Hopefully the long weekend will help us chill a bit and resolve a few of our issues we have right now.
Had the kids training and really mixed it up. Trying to squeeze 12 kids into one lane is difficult when they are of equal ability, but with the range we have (ages 9-16) it's pretty much impossible. We got some great strength stuff done and some skills with the younger ones. Jane has a real knack to finding a real good alternative solutions which are really great training tips/skills, especially for the newer kids.
So when is it time to tell someone that they are taking too much for granted to the point they are being obnoxiously rude?
Something happened to Jane while she was writing her reports, and it frustrates me when, people who would flip their lid if someone invaded their work space, just act that they own Jane and her classroom, just because she is in there. They have absolute no respect that it is her office, and especially when the relationship between the girls are strained.
I have a hard time understanding the mentality of some people, but then again, am I normal myself? I do think it is pushing any friendship past an acceptable point.
This is not the only person or time things do seem extremely one sided, and not in Jane's favour. Too many self-called friends seem to claim ownership of her when they want something, but are never there when Jane needs a hand with something or a favour. I guess it is how the world really works and we have a distorted view as to how we think the world works.
Do I take the lead and confront this person/these people, or do I leave things be? So far I have let it be, but I don't know how much more I can take of things like this happening.
Ended the month with the family on a bit of an edge with each other. Not too great and I know I need to work a lot harder at keeping my emotions in check. I don't think not taking the anti depressants is really the solution here. Hopefully the long weekend will help us chill a bit and resolve a few of our issues we have right now.
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