June 2012

June 2012


This has been quite a hard month for me and those who I love most. My moods have fluctuated   a lot and taken me to dark places, having dark thoughts and said some awful things at times. I have had some variable thought patterns, regrets and health problems, which have not helped either.


After some of my blow ups I had either one or a few of these thoughts;

• "Why is it we tend to hurt the ones we love the most, the worst of all?"
• "We say the most horrible things to the ones who deserve it the least."
• "We treat them as though they were our enemy and not our closest friend, our family, our lover. In fact we actually treat our enemy/nemesis/rival better than do the ones we care for the most."
• "Why is when we get hurt by loved ones, we feel we have the right to hurt them back with more venom just to make us feel better about ourselves. They hurt us so we are allowed to hurt them back!"

I get really mean when I get angry, I never enjoy it, in fact I hate it. It never does any good, I never win the fight, we just have a shit time and carry the baggage around until the next fight, plus the knowledge things never had to go that far. I do regret what I say, and I just get more depressed when I lose control, then I get too close to the volatile state too early without any self control the more depressed I am. It is a self feeding downward spiral. Not the best of places to find yourself.


I also have a back condition called "Scheuermann's  Disease". It normally affects teenagers as they grow and it is a spinal condition which causes severe pain which leads to curving of the spine, and in some examples, really hunched spines. There is surgery available to release the pain, correct posture, but it is not normal practice. I first learnt about it when I was about 14 or 15 and learnt to manage it, but sometimes I get flair ups. These flairs ups used to last 2-4 days before I was back to normal, now it affects me for nearly a week. The flair ups are random, so no way to predict them.
     I had a flair up during the month, which put me out of training for about a week, which contributed to my fowl mood throughout the month. I think I have turned a corner, but nothing really happens without discipline. I know I can do it as I have done it before in my past. Just need to remember, and really want to do it.


So bring it on! I am not afraid of the pain, but am I afraid of success??????