I haven't checked in for quite a while and this blog has gone like a reflection of how I have been living/feeling the last few months. It started with the best intentions, and I even had a run when I have been dedicated and focused, but like how things usually go in my life, I got lazy and lost the motivation to keep focussed. Oh well, failing to write a blog daily is not the end of the world and neither is not doing all my training sessions.
What has happened since I last posted?
I got one year older, edging ever closer to that new age group, now 39. I spent the day working but the evening with my girls and had a really nice dinner out. I remember feeling a bit numb rather than excited in the morning. The girls were definitely more excited about it and I tried to make the most of it.
World Triathlon Champs have now come and gone. It was a great week, albeit weather interrupted, and my foot has still been giving me a lot of grief (I will do a race report on another blog post) and I now think has been contributing to my lack of motivation of training. The time in Auckland was great, and meet up with a lot of friends from around the country, and a few from overseas from past events. The best thing about the week was that Alex was able to enjoy it as a competing team member for the first time.
Work has had it ups and downs. We have gotten a lot busier, which is good for the odd bit of extra money at times. I have a really hard time when I feel I have the biggest input into the store organisation, look and generally stuff up the least, and then no slack is giving when there is nothing to do. I got reprimanded for internet use, and maybe it's the terminal I use is a bit more obvious than the others, but when the pot calls the kettle black, I have a really hard job of sucking it up. The problem I guess I fidget. I have to fidget, and when I am bored, I fidget more. I guess it's why I bite my nails, I used to smoke, I watch TV/movies and can only sleep at the end of it, I have to be playing with a phone or play PS3/PSP. I am a fidgeter.
I have also noticed when work has been a difficult environment, that has affected my home life too much and for that I need to apologise to my girls. I try not to let things affect me too much, and I know some people just don't get how easily one comment can affect a depressive. We feel the enjoyment squeeze out of us immediately, and it is hard to regain that joy back. Right now it's been 2 weeks since work has felt like a place I want to be at. I know one errant comment will set off all the cannon of frustrations I have I have loaded, which will not end that well. It's happened before, and I'm trying really hard to not repeat the performance.
Family life has it's up and downs, with all 3 of us doing our best to get out of life alive. Alex has exams and is stressed, her swim coach is being a dousch and putting additional stress and not much encouragement. I feel he is trying to break her so she gives up. I may know technique, but he doesn't know how to manage people. Jane has a big class this year, and with her gifted and talented stuff on top of her everyday stuff, plus coaching, she gets little assistance from her colleagues, not to mention the late phone calls from parents who claim to be friends but are never really there for us.
As far as my extended family goes, I get critisied by them for not having much input or communication, but when my family has needed help, not a single one of them lifted a finger when the girls reached out for help in their direction when I was in a really dark place and being very unpleasant to live with. The ads on TV just don't cut it when I goes to supporting people with mental health issues. They just don't get it, when their door isn't open when it is needed most, the door just remains closed. My brother is sick, but really he has been the biggest hurdle in my life when it comes to me and my depression. He is a extremely arrogant and made so many comments to me about the things he has done without regret or remorse, I find it easier to avoid his words as they stay probably 50 times longer in my world than his. I am sorry he is sick, but I do not like his behaviour.
Triathlon coaching has been coming along really well, still small at the moment and slowly growing. We have a bit of a mixed bag of athletes but it is very rewarding when they finish a race with a massive smile on their face afterwards. Triathlon season began last week and my fitness level, and foot problem, shows that this season will not be a season full of PB's. This is definitely a time to heal, get my foot sorted and come back next season better, faster, stronger. I will then spend a bit more energy in my coaching this season instead.
I have to make a comment about others with depression that live in my environment. Most people hide it very well, some however are really destructive to other depressives near them. They act like an enemy. What is it with that? Do they feel threatened by me? Are they jealous that their life is harder than my life and wish it was easier for them? Are they that insecure with themselves, I am a constant reminder that they feel like a failure because I appear to not be suffering as much as them? I don't get it. We have a lot in common and should be able to talk about our common issues in support one one another, but their appearance of blind hatred makes them unable to get support from someone who is probably the best at understanding what they go through constantly. Maybe they are just too immature. Maybe they are jealous. Maybe they are just not a very nice person. Truth be told, I don't hate them back, but I do dislike their behaviour. When it comes to their petty antics start affecting those in my life, a line has to be drawn and I will have to defend my position and those I love, I live with and those that I coach. Yes they may have a mental illness, but does that give them the right to be an arsehole?
One thing I am now trying to focus on, is one sentence, one phrase, one action is but a moment. There are 43200 per day. A sentence take say 5 seconds out of that day. I am now 39 years old. I have been alive over 14244 days or 615,373,200 seconds, and plan to live over double that. Are those 5 seconds really worth much in the large scale of my life? They are but a minuscule moment of my existence. Why give that moment so much energy?
Another thought is that I have other things to actually worry about, and some things are just not worth it. My life is hard enough, why make it harder, or let someone else make it harder for me.
With those thoughts I will strive to be better with my blog going forward, but don't be holding your breath.
What has happened since I last posted?
I got one year older, edging ever closer to that new age group, now 39. I spent the day working but the evening with my girls and had a really nice dinner out. I remember feeling a bit numb rather than excited in the morning. The girls were definitely more excited about it and I tried to make the most of it.
World Triathlon Champs have now come and gone. It was a great week, albeit weather interrupted, and my foot has still been giving me a lot of grief (I will do a race report on another blog post) and I now think has been contributing to my lack of motivation of training. The time in Auckland was great, and meet up with a lot of friends from around the country, and a few from overseas from past events. The best thing about the week was that Alex was able to enjoy it as a competing team member for the first time.
Work has had it ups and downs. We have gotten a lot busier, which is good for the odd bit of extra money at times. I have a really hard time when I feel I have the biggest input into the store organisation, look and generally stuff up the least, and then no slack is giving when there is nothing to do. I got reprimanded for internet use, and maybe it's the terminal I use is a bit more obvious than the others, but when the pot calls the kettle black, I have a really hard job of sucking it up. The problem I guess I fidget. I have to fidget, and when I am bored, I fidget more. I guess it's why I bite my nails, I used to smoke, I watch TV/movies and can only sleep at the end of it, I have to be playing with a phone or play PS3/PSP. I am a fidgeter.
I have also noticed when work has been a difficult environment, that has affected my home life too much and for that I need to apologise to my girls. I try not to let things affect me too much, and I know some people just don't get how easily one comment can affect a depressive. We feel the enjoyment squeeze out of us immediately, and it is hard to regain that joy back. Right now it's been 2 weeks since work has felt like a place I want to be at. I know one errant comment will set off all the cannon of frustrations I have I have loaded, which will not end that well. It's happened before, and I'm trying really hard to not repeat the performance.
Family life has it's up and downs, with all 3 of us doing our best to get out of life alive. Alex has exams and is stressed, her swim coach is being a dousch and putting additional stress and not much encouragement. I feel he is trying to break her so she gives up. I may know technique, but he doesn't know how to manage people. Jane has a big class this year, and with her gifted and talented stuff on top of her everyday stuff, plus coaching, she gets little assistance from her colleagues, not to mention the late phone calls from parents who claim to be friends but are never really there for us.
As far as my extended family goes, I get critisied by them for not having much input or communication, but when my family has needed help, not a single one of them lifted a finger when the girls reached out for help in their direction when I was in a really dark place and being very unpleasant to live with. The ads on TV just don't cut it when I goes to supporting people with mental health issues. They just don't get it, when their door isn't open when it is needed most, the door just remains closed. My brother is sick, but really he has been the biggest hurdle in my life when it comes to me and my depression. He is a extremely arrogant and made so many comments to me about the things he has done without regret or remorse, I find it easier to avoid his words as they stay probably 50 times longer in my world than his. I am sorry he is sick, but I do not like his behaviour.
Triathlon coaching has been coming along really well, still small at the moment and slowly growing. We have a bit of a mixed bag of athletes but it is very rewarding when they finish a race with a massive smile on their face afterwards. Triathlon season began last week and my fitness level, and foot problem, shows that this season will not be a season full of PB's. This is definitely a time to heal, get my foot sorted and come back next season better, faster, stronger. I will then spend a bit more energy in my coaching this season instead.
I have to make a comment about others with depression that live in my environment. Most people hide it very well, some however are really destructive to other depressives near them. They act like an enemy. What is it with that? Do they feel threatened by me? Are they jealous that their life is harder than my life and wish it was easier for them? Are they that insecure with themselves, I am a constant reminder that they feel like a failure because I appear to not be suffering as much as them? I don't get it. We have a lot in common and should be able to talk about our common issues in support one one another, but their appearance of blind hatred makes them unable to get support from someone who is probably the best at understanding what they go through constantly. Maybe they are just too immature. Maybe they are jealous. Maybe they are just not a very nice person. Truth be told, I don't hate them back, but I do dislike their behaviour. When it comes to their petty antics start affecting those in my life, a line has to be drawn and I will have to defend my position and those I love, I live with and those that I coach. Yes they may have a mental illness, but does that give them the right to be an arsehole?
One thing I am now trying to focus on, is one sentence, one phrase, one action is but a moment. There are 43200 per day. A sentence take say 5 seconds out of that day. I am now 39 years old. I have been alive over 14244 days or 615,373,200 seconds, and plan to live over double that. Are those 5 seconds really worth much in the large scale of my life? They are but a minuscule moment of my existence. Why give that moment so much energy?
Another thought is that I have other things to actually worry about, and some things are just not worth it. My life is hard enough, why make it harder, or let someone else make it harder for me.
With those thoughts I will strive to be better with my blog going forward, but don't be holding your breath.
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