These last few weeks I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I have been up and down with my own issues, both mentally and physically. I have been struggling with back issues which has limited my training to a point I would be lucky to have done an honest 8 hours a week.
Running is still fairly non existent and my weight is hovering the 100kg mark still. That alone is always a trigger for my depression. So how did I deal with it in the past? One thing was less distractions but it was discipline and time. No real secret sorry. Consistent exercise, healthy eating and patience. It might be worth while logging everything again. Having a conscious visual aid always did work for me.
We attended my brother's wedding, facing the majority of my family for over 15 months. A lot of the reasons are resentment from the lack of help for my family when we have needed intervention when I have been out of control. Confrontation and support has never really been my blood families strong suit. TV adverts regarding supporting people with mental issues don't work. I am one, and my 2 girls, who receive very little can attest to that. Besides that, it was really nice. Also nice to meet my 3 nephews for the first time. The hard thing was to see my beligerant big as life little brother, tired, old and struggling. His battles with cancer has been beating him up. This got me to begin to try think about the last couple of years and what I haven't done or been a part of due to my behavior, and the grudges I hold onto.
All these things now fairly trivial.
Now the biggest thing that has really rocked me was the news my younger brother had more tumors found on his spine, and now is no longer receiving radiotherapy or chemotherapy for these. I know I have had many issues I have really struggled with confronting and resolving. Quite a few stem from my brother. I have mentioned before I felt growing up we were almost twins. Close in age and practically the same group of friends. Something happened and I lost that closeness. Maybe I was closer to him than I was to him, which is why I felt I was devastated when I couldn't get back what I had lost. For years I wanted to get back my sudo-twin but could never come to terms that was never going to happen. Now with this news, all this doesn't matter. He is my brother and I love him.
His pain levels are being managed and we have things to talk about but I feel just going to see him has been all he needed from me. It's been hard to talk to him because of all the people around each time I visit and also his pain meds are keeping him a bit spaced out. I will stop by again on Tuesday. Hope to get a few minutes alone with him.
To anyone reading, my brother's friends are trying to restore his beloved VW for him since his health has deteriorated. Even $5 helps and can be donated here
https://www.givealittle.co.nz/cause/GruntasVw
and can be followed here
https://facebook.com/GruntasVwBeetleRestoration?id=527073197335823&_rdr
Now for anyone reading, stop holding onto grudges. Us with depression have far too much to deal with already, don't add to it by carrying extra baggage. Be like an airline. Minimum baggage and maximum weight/size restriction.
4 comments:
Kia Kaha - Be brave young cousin Warren. Our thoughts are with you so much today especially. We to are devastated.Love and big hugs to you.
Will see you soon.
All our Love Kay and Steve Lock and daughters Rebecca and Katie
Dear Warren, Just want to say this blog is great. Very personal and very brave of you to put it out there, but that is the problem for those of us who suffer from the D dog. We do want love and support but often our nearest and dearest are not too good at dealing with it. I too have had to face this over the last 30 years or so on and off, but especially bad after I lost both my parents relatively young. For me it came back a few months ago and am trying to ride another bout, just when I think I am doing ok. This time for you now is going to be hard but keep on reaching out and take all the hugs on offer. You are so brave too. Let Grant be an inspiration for all of us struggling with our own battles.
See you soon. Love Kay Lock
Thank you so much for your support and love. Kay, I wish I had known earlier, and if you need to reach out, I am here for you any time. I know sometimes it takes someone with a bit of insight to really help you through some of those darkest times. i am lucky, I have a couple of great people who are on a rollercoaster ride almost identical to my own. See you soon. Love to you all too.
Thanks Warren. There are more of us out there than anyone realises,but the pressures and expectations of today's world can be too overwhelming at times and we can't get through this and any of the other curved balls life throws at us with out a lot of support, love and hopefully in time understanding from others as well as trying to manage our own health and attitudes. I too really struggle with the motivation issue big time these days but I have done well in loosing 13 kilos this year, with more to go but am a bit stuck at the moment. Hopefully the warmer and finer weather of spring will get me going again. Take care and we will definitely be seeing you on Wednesday at Ohakea. Katie can't come as she is still in the USA on her mini OE trip, not back until 20th August, but she send her love and hugs to you all and is very upset to hear about Grant and that she can not be here at this sad time with her family and extended family. Take care. Love Kay.
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