T - 135
Today was a day off of work. Weather never fails in Welly, it was good enough to get out on the bike. Did a few patch ups on the TT bike before heading out. The bike always feels so good to ride. Some of the cross winds definitely pushed me about. (All good practice for a date with Kona sometime in the future)
In case anyone is actually reading this and cares about Kona, WTC are revamping the lotteries to reward those who have done 12 IM races by offering spots to race Kona. (PLAN B)
Today I planned to do much more than i got achieved. My anxieties are way way down from where they were about 5 weeks ago, but I don't seem to be making progress towards manning up in the small things. Another thing i have noticed of late, is the excitement factor relating to a buying a new toy etc, isn't there too. Was i always spending all my money to get a hit of euphoria only to then stress about never having any money. Just like my over eating problem, with that "comfort" food.
For those of you who have only ever known me since i started triathlons, I used the weigh 130ish kg. I have kept most of the 40 odd kg off up until the last little bit. Not since i was on the downward trend have i weighed 96kg as i did on monday. I am training scared. Not really a place conducive for providing great results, but all I'm after i enough to qualify for Auckland 2012 World Triathlon Camps, just like 72 others in my age group. It will be fun no matter what.
Being out on the bike for some 3 hours, it gives you time to think. Today I did my last shift at the bottle store. 2 jobs kill any quality time i get with Jane. I had to take on additional work due to not having any income for around 4 months last year, and still being owed about $7000. That money is nearly a lost cause, but i still have a few more months to sort out any legal case before an expiry date. Who knows. Maybe it's something i need to see through to get to a better place or something i need to let go?
Last year was probably the hardest year i ever had. No will power or confidence to secure work. Having a promised job pulled out from under you, because the person who owes me money probably interfered with the employment factor. If i hadn't already had tickets and race entry paid for World Triathlon Champs in Budapest i doubt i would have left the house much at all. Getting a job 2 or 3 weeks after we came back was a massive turning point for my confidence. I still was not on any meds and definitely had bad patches which did affect my work performance. I acknowledged i had depression but hid behind the mask of it, using it as a scapegoat to blame when i was really low and/or angry. All in all, being able to evaluate things with different eyes, all i was was weak. That maybe a bit harsh for anyone battling with dispersion, and not gotten any outside help yet, but until you make that first positive step by booking an appointment with a professional, all you are is a slave to depression. It doesn't need to be a big public forum. It can be as discreet as you are comfortable with. But i thoroughly recommending getting professional advice. You maybe lucky enough and not have a chemical imbalance in your brain like i do, but you do need someone to hold your hand to help you start your journey in moving out of the dark and into the light.
Believe you are not the person people my shy away from. You are a good person, take a deep breath bye pick up the phone and make that appointment. A weight lifts immediately.
Trust me. I did.
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